perfectionism and how to get over it

Perfectionism Is Sabotaging You—Here’s How to Break Free

Sep 11, 2024 | Self-love

Perfectionism—let’s get real for a second—it’s that sneaky little voice in your head promising you the world if you could just do everything right.

But what does it actually deliver?

For me, it delivered anxiety, procrastination, and a constant feeling of not being enough.

Perfectionism was my constant companion, whispering, “You could have done better,” no matter how well I did.

If you’ve ever felt trapped by these impossible standards or found yourself holding off on things, waiting for the perfect moment, then this article is for you. I’m breaking down how perfectionism messes with our minds and why embracing your flaws might just be the ultimate key to happiness.

Grab a cup of tea (or a glass of wine—no judgment here), and let’s dive in!

The Myth of Perfection: The Glittery Trap We Keep Falling For

Let’s start with a universal truth: perfection is a trap.

In our modern world, we are constantly bombarded with the idea that we need to be perfect.

Social media, advertising, even casual conversations—it’s everywhere.

We see perfect homes, perfect relationships, perfect bodies, perfect lives.

But here’s the thing: it’s all a mirage.

We’re led to believe that perfection will bring us happiness, admiration, and success. That if we could just get everything in line, we’d finally feel fulfilled.

But the truth?

It’s the opposite. Instead of feeling like queens or kings of our own lives, we end up feeling trapped and suffocated.

Perfection is a trap, plain and simple.

It’s like chasing after a rainbow—you can run and run, but you’ll never catch it.

Why? Because perfection doesn’t actually exist. It’s an illusion.

And even worse, it’s an illusion we create for ourselves. You see, unlike love, which is universal, perfection is subjective. It changes from person to person, from one situation to another. What I think is perfect might not be perfect for you at all.

Think about it—on a sunny day, when everything in your life is going great, that sunshine might feel like pure perfection. But if you’ve just gone through a breakup or you’re having a tough day, that same sunshine can feel blinding, almost cruel.

The same goes for the rain. When you’re in love and snuggled up with your partner, a rainy day feels cozy and romantic. But if you’re going through something tough, it can feel gray and miserable.

This realization hit me hard.

Why are we working so hard to achieve something that don’t even exist?

Why We Fall for the Perfection Trap

So why do we keep striving for this unattainable standard?

It’s simple—it comes from one of our most primal instincts: survival.

Back in the day when humans lived in tribes, fitting in wasn’t just a social perk; it was essential for survival.

If you didn’t conform, you could be cast out, left without protection, food, or shelter, which basically meant death. Even though our world has changed a lot since then, our brains haven’t. They still hold onto that fear of not being accepted, and our subconscious mind tells us that being perfect will keep us safe.

But here’s the catch: striving for perfection comes from fear. And fear, my friend, is a low vibrational state. If we want to step into our most radiant, magnetic selves—our highest selves—we need to rise above fear. We need to embrace imperfection, because that’s where real growth happens.

Think about it this way: perfectionism is like trying to drive with the brakes on. It keeps you stuck in place, stopping you from reaching your fullest potential. Instead of propelling you forward, it traps you in a cycle of fear and self-doubt.

Katherine Zenkina from the Manifestation Babe podcast explains this perfectly in one of her episodes, where she talks about why your future self isn’t perfect. If you want to dive deeper into this, I highly recommend checking out her episode here. It’s a game-changer.

The Link Between Perfectionism and Self-Love

At first glance, perfectionism might seem like a noble quest for self-improvement.

After all, what’s wrong with wanting to be your best self?

But let’s dig a little deeper.

Perfectionism is often disguised as the pursuit of excellence, but underneath that shiny exterior lies something darker—self-criticism and comparison.

When we’re stuck in a perfectionist mindset, we’re constantly measuring ourselves against others or against an impossible standard. We tell ourselves, “I’ll be happy when I achieve this,” or “I’ll be good enough when I look like that.” But the truth is, that finish line keeps moving, and we never feel like we’ve truly arrived.

Instead of fostering self-love, perfectionism breeds insecurity and shame. We start to see every little flaw as proof that we’re not good enough, and we become our own worst critics. It’s like living with a double standard. We shower others with love and understanding, but when it comes to ourselves?

Nope. Nothing is ever good enough.

The irony here is that we’re so focused on trying to get things perfect to earn love and acceptance from others, but in doing so, we forget to love and accept ourselves.

Signs You’ve Fallen Into the Perfectionism Trap

Recognizing that you’ve fallen into the perfectionism trap is the first step to breaking free. Here are some common signs to watch out for:

1. You’re Constantly Waiting for the “Perfect” Time

You put off taking action because you’re waiting for the stars to align. Whether it’s starting a business, working out, or even recording that podcast episode you’ve been planning (hello, guilty over here!), you’re always waiting for the “perfect” moment.

But here’s the truth: there is no perfect time. I delayed recording my first podcast episode for weeks, waiting for some magical moment when I’d be able to sit down and nail it on the first try. Spoiler alert—that never happened. What I realized is that the perfect time doesn’t exist. The only perfect moment is the one you create by taking action.

2. You Set Unrealistic Standards

This is a big one.

You set impossibly high standards for yourself, whether it’s in your career, relationships, or personal goals. These standards are so high, they’re basically unreachable, which leaves you feeling like a constant failure.

Sound familiar?

3. You’re Terrified of Failure

You have a crippling fear of making mistakes or falling short of expectations.

So you avoid taking risks or trying new things because the idea of failure feels unbearable.

And when you do encounter setbacks (because let’s be honest, failure is part of life), you beat yourself up or give up altogether.

I’ve been there—after a failed business launch, I was so paralyzed by perfectionism that I gave up completely. If I had just let go of that mindset and tried again, there’s no doubt I would’ve succeeded. Because you know what sets successful entrepreneurs or athletes from others?

They try again.

And again.

And again.

Until they succeed.

4. All-or-Nothing Thinking

You see things in black and white, with no room for gray areas or mistakes.

If you can’t do something perfectly, it’s not worth doing at all.

This mindset often leads to procrastination or paralysis, as you wait for that elusive perfect outcome.

I used to struggle with this big time, especially when it came to working out. I was either doing a perfect workout routine every week, or I wasn’t working out at all. If I missed one session, I’d quit entirely. But life isn’t perfect, and as I learned the hard way, sticking to rigid plans just doesn’t work.

5. You’re Never Satisfied with the Result

Even when you achieve a goal, you find flaws.

You’re always thinking, “I could’ve done better,” or “It’s not enough.” This is classic perfectionism at play.

And it’s exhausting.

It’s like chasing after a never-ending finish line.

I experienced this during my marketing coaching sessions. If a client didn’t have an “aha” moment, I felt like I’d failed them. But here’s the crazy part—those sessions where I thought I didn’t make a difference? Those were the ones where clients expressed the most gratitude.

And this is an excellent example of how perfectionism deforms our self-perception.

6. You Seek External Validation

Your self-worth depends on receiving praise or recognition from others.

If you don’t get it, you feel like you’ve failed.

This constant need for external validation keeps you stuck in the perfectionism trap, always seeking approval from outside sources instead of validating yourself.

7. You Can’t Relax

Even when you’re not working, your mind is racing.

You have a hard time relaxing because you feel like you should be doing something productive.

Downtime makes you anxious because you’re always thinking about what you should be doing instead of enjoying the present moment.

Let me share a personal story here. A few weeks ago, I was feeling anxious and exhausted, but instead of resting, I beat myself up for not sticking to my spiritual practices. I had this long list of things I thought I should be doing—meditating, learning more about human design, working on my limiting beliefs. But here’s the thing: I was already doing so much! Between my full-time job, daily workout, practice coaching sessions, and working on my coaching business, I was pushing myself to the edge.

And yet, in my mind, it still wasn’t enough. That’s the twisted logic of perfectionism—it convinces you that no matter how much you do, you should be doing more.

How to Break Free from the Perfectionism Trap

Okay, now that we’ve identified the problem, let’s talk solutions. How do we break free from this perfectionist mindset? Here are a few practices that have helped me, and I hope they’ll help you too:

1. Understand Where Your Perfectionism Stems From

Awareness is the first step to change.

Ask yourself where your perfectionism comes from.

Did you experience high standards growing up?

Were you only praised when you did things perfectly?

For me, it started in school. I got straight A’s in first grade, and my parents were thrilled. I felt loved and validated by their praise.

But the next year? The same straight A’s didn’t get the same reaction. Over time, this lack of attention led me to set even higher standards for myself, thinking that if I achieved more, I’d get that love and validation back.

The point here isn’t to blame anyone, but to recognize where these patterns started.

By understanding the root of your perfectionism, you can start to unravel it.

Learning this helped me realize, that my way out of perfectionism is giving myself the validation I craved so much. Instead of fishing for it from an external place, I needed to create that feeling inside of me. And with dedicated practices, which now I incorporate in my coaching programs too, I was able to do that.

2. Love Your Perfectionist Side

Here’s the thing—your perfectionist side isn’t the enemy.

It’s actually a part of you that’s trying to protect you. Most of our perfectionist tendencies come from a need to feel safe or loved, especially during emotionally difficult situations in childhood.

So instead of hating this part of yourself, try loving it. Thank it for trying to protect you all these years, and then gently let it go. You can even do a little practice where you put your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and say, “Thank you for keeping me safe, but I don’t need you anymore. We are safe now. I got you.”

3. Know Your Enough

Perfectionists are always chasing more—more success, more approval, more of everything.

But what if you set a boundary for yourself?

What if you defined what “enough” looks like for you?

For me, I realized that my 80% effort was often someone else’s 100%. So I started setting a limit for myself—when I reached 80%, I stopped.

And guess what?

Everyone was still thrilled with the outcome.

You don’t need to overdeliver every time.

4. Do Things Imperfectly—On Purpose

This one is both hard and liberating.

Next time you’re working on something, try messing it up on purpose. Leave a typo in an email, skip a step in your workout, or cook a meal without a recipe. The goal is to show yourself that the world won’t end if things aren’t perfect.

I started this practice with numbered paintings. I’d ordered a set of beach scenes and was determined to stay inside the lines. But halfway through, I deliberately colored outside the lines. And you know what?

It felt goooood.

I realized that perfection was suffocating me, and by embracing imperfection, I found freedom.

For more on embracing imperfection, check out Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and the power of imperfection. It’s life-changing.

Take this home with you

Perfectionism is an illusion, and chasing it will only leave you feeling empty and exhausted.

The good news?

There’s freedom in imperfection.

By embracing your flaws, loving yourself unconditionally, and letting go of impossible standards, you’ll unlock a life filled with joy, creativity, and fulfillment.

Remember, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.

You are enough just because you are.